I'm in school, being antisocial during my super-lunch with the aid of my laptop. It adds extra weight, and I've already got a shit ton to carry, but aside from that, this futuristic new implementation is turning out to be pretty fucking awesome.

I feel like things are only going to get better from here. I'm going to make it that way. And I am more determined to do well than I've ever been. Thanks, junior year. Kick my ass, why don't you. I need it badly.

I hate to sound whiny, I really do, but this summer has been royally terrible. June was okay and not really very memorable. As far as I'm concerned, July didn't happen. Now it's August and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. All of my goals and plans seemed to fly out the window. What happened to my film internship? I flaked and they flaked. What happened to me getting my permit and devoting time to driving? What happened to reading all those books? I guess I got depressed and lost all motivation to do anything. It's amazing how efficiently the monotony of summertime fries the brain.

In my mind, the only thing I'm looking forward to is being completely done with high school and gaining control over my life. It would be worlds easier to move forward from my recent debacles and heartaches if I wasn't going into fucking junior year, without my only friend at LM no less. The one thing that keeps me going is a distant and idealistic view of young adult life. I'm driven by the hope that someday I will like where I am and what I am doing. Until then, I'll just be waiting, attempting to make plans, and hopefully living while I'm at it.

THIS IS THE ONLY WEBSITE I CAN GET ON BESIDES SONGZA AND I'M AT SCHOOL AND HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE TERRIBLE GRADES IN THE ONLY CLASS I CARE ABOUT. KILLMYSELF I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS IS ALL OVER AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT THERE'S ONLY A MONTH LEFT OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

NO ONE READS MY LIVEJOURNAL

I'M TRYING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I FEELLIKE IT AND WHO NEEDS PUNCTUATION
PUNCTUATION IS FOR DOUCHEBAGS

I HAVE A TENSION HEADACHE AND A DRY COUGH YES ITS DRY I KNOW THATS THE WAY YOU LIKE IT DOESNT IT AROUSE YOU TO THINK OF HOW MANY TIMES I COUGH EVERY MINUTE I HOPE IT DOES MY SHINING CHILD

CONTARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I AM NOT IN ANY WAY INTOXICATED THOUGH I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE AND THAT ONE THING IS CALLED


ROBOTRIPPING



YEAH BRO

Dear Livejournal,

Right now I am feeling slightly feverish. Tomorrow is Animal Collective, and I plan on going regardless of how shitty I may feel by then. I've been looking forward to this for so long. Thank goodness for Julian and his dad with all those connections of his. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be able to go due to my mom losing my ticket. The best part is the fact that she didn't trust me enough to let me hold it. PHAIL.

Speaking of PHAIL, I'm sincerely disappointed that this variation of fail went above the heads of the girls at LM. Long story short, there had been a lot of writing inside the first floor bathroom stalls, and despite the futility of it, the school shut down the bathroom for a day, just so the custodians could paint over it. Finding humor in this, I wrote PHAIL in giant letters on the freshly painted door. Some idiot used it as a fucking acronym for "people hate aliens in love," and, next to another few phails I scribbled, someone wrote, "wtf? your stupid." LM girls, you are stupid for PHAILING to realize what PHAIL is. You'RE the stupid ones. I can't wait to p0wn these bitches the next time I get a sharpie and find myself in that very stall again.

These are the things that occupy my head at school. (Besides finding ways to relate suicide to everything, of course.)

This weekend was the first good one in quite a while. I highly doubt that anyone reading this cares about my weekend, but I feel that I made some accomplishments, most notably telling a bible thumper that god wasn't real and that he should kill himself. Success.

I'm sitting in health class, waiting to do a presentation about DMT. Trippy shit, man. The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster of sorts, I'm lacking sleep, etc-what the hell else is new.

I'm juggling with a few different types of loss just as the seasons are changing. It seems like a lot of people die in March. I'm gonna find some statistics to find out if this is all in my head.

Anyways, a lot has been happening at once. I'm starting to come out of a sort of social hibernation. I want to trust people again, but I'm reluctant given how quickly things can change, even in twenty four hours time.

I found someone who I connect with on many levels, but of course, like most good things, it is intangible, and I'm too immature to be accepting of this. I find ways to screw the best things up, armed with the unnecessary weapon of hypersensitivity. To put it simply, we had the best day together, it ended in fireworks, and the following day, well, we realized we had to take a few giant steps back. I am the younger one, the less mature one...so of course, it was much harder for me.

I see the lies that people submerge themselves in to make life more tolerable, and I hate that I look down on so many people for that. It is my firm belief that the truth isn't pretty, and the human mind is thoroughly equipped for escaping that fact in many more ways than one, even if it means abandoning things of great worth.

First off, teen angst.

Secondly, I h8 everyone. It's typical, I know, but I have no idea who my friends are at this point. I spent too much time around one group of people for a few months, got sick of them, isolated myself, and am dealing with the consequences. The fact is, I see through so much of the mindless bullshit that spills out of people's mouths. I hate hate hate hate hate when people are funny and clever all of the time. It is so so contrived. I want to be around people who don't make me feel like shit for...being myself. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

That was really fucking whiny, but I needed to write it somewhere. Better LJ than facebook.

the moon was sitting low in its bed of clouds
creating illusions
I felt its pull on my mind in a thousand different places
I had no hesitation to inform strangers of this

you told me you thought you were falling
the moon looks enormous tonight
but it's the same size it's always been
you're not falling for me it's falling on you
I feel the weight too

I had to walk away while your favorite song played
meaning feels contrived in the shivering winter
I felt my limbs shake me halfway to sleep
and I can't close my eyes without having bad dreams
leaking faucets are singing deep within me and
I'm not letting myself spill this time

I'm fleeing the scene before the crime is committed
people fade, they always do
someday you won't have faith in being good
you'll be throwing boulders with all that calloused strength
feet will be crushed and i won't be the only one
having nightmares

can't you see, I can't see you in this cocoon
I'm content to hide while the worst rages past me
questions are visible and everyone knows they can't
answer mine
and I'm fine
but please don't tell me everything will be okay
because it might not be

IT'S FUCKING LEGIT. THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. BUYING ONE OF THESE FOR FUCKING SURE.

I've been staying in New Yahk for the past few days at this ridiculous hotel in the financial district. It's a very pretty part of town, but it is absolutely dead on weekends and at night. I don't mind the quiet because I've been spending most of my time shooting, and whenever I'm not shooting I'm either stuffing my face with delicious Manhattan bagels or sleeping. Winter is starting and food is all I can think about; that's one symptom of seasonal affectiveness and quite frankly I'm content to put on some pounds as the temperature drops. I love eating. So much. Last weekend Aurora and I were discussing how we plan around food or hot d-bags.

btw:


The canned laughter is a little annoying and I feel kind of bad for the cat, but I just can't get over how ridiculous this cat sounds.

It's been awhile, LJ. Now I understand what Mike V said about twitter a long time ago. I either write in this when I'm depressed, bored, procrastinating or all three. In this case I'm just procrastinating, and it's okay because it's human and I'm going to stop being so damn hard on myself.

I slept most of today away. I hate looking out the window to see sun and stepping outside to realize that it isn't warm. All of the color and the crisp contentment of November is so beautiful, but my seasonal depression is kicking in. It seems like things aren't going to change until winter is over.

A tremendous sense of despair descended upon me when I woke up this morning and realized what was ahead. It is nowhere near as terrible as it used to be, though. After making the same mistakes and wasting away long enough, the seasons change and it all starts to seem the same. Kill yourself for a little sunshine, have your moment, be done with it. Get to work. Get out there and find a reason to keep pursuing whatever the hell it is you're looking for, get it, and wonder why you broke your back to look for anything at all. This is life. I haven't seen half of it, and I don't claim to know everything, but all logic points towards the continuation of this cycle.

Happiness is a conscious decision, but that doesn't make it easy to carry out. It requires more energy than I really have, but I am sure as hell trying my best anyway. I hope everyone is happy for the right reasons. Life is heavy and everyone needs to learn to carry their own weight.

It seems that I'm very unhappy every time I decide to write in this thing. It's fair to say that people generally suck. I see an alarming lack of willpower; sooner or later everyone seems to give in to everything that they once decided wasn't making life any better. I have shitty circumstances that are, for the most part, my own fault. I blame myself because I have time to think. The people who hurt me seem like they're always on the run from something. People like that are icy, distant and untouchable. I've had a phrase stuck in my head that goes a little something like this: people are vehicles towards the achievement of your desires, but they pull hit and runs all the time.

Where are the people who actually give a shit? Where are the people who want to talk to me not when they're in need, but just out of wanting to talk? Where have my friends gone? Are they buzzing towards their next goal, staring so hard at it that they can't see who they're leaving behind? Where are the people who said they loved me? Why the hell do I need them?

I don't. I've reached the point of shutting everyone out. I've made more of an effort than anyone actually deserves. I'm not even looking for anything anymore. Not love, not lust, not even new friendship..it all seems to spiral downwards towards this in the end anyway.

You know something's a little off when your own mother tells you, "this isn't your home." Mr. Mobile Home had to come and fucking ruin it all. I don't even know my Mom anymore, and she used to be one of my closest friends. I am being forced to leave this house even though this is where all of my pets are. I have to go to my dads, and I'm not much happier there with his annoying attention whore of a wife. I can't wait to grow the hell up and get the fuck out for good.

A quick update concerning LJ: I probably won't use this to talk about my adventures as much, since I now use the fabulous microblogging tool, twitter. This is a better outlet for sensitive rants and bullshit of the like. So here we go.

There are a million different things stressing me out. I have so much work and I'm truly sick of high school. I've bee contemplating the possibility of buckling down, working my ass off and graduating a year early. It isn't so much just the high school experience as much as my stressful, conflicting home life. First off, I don't know where my true home is, since my time is divided in half. Every seven days I have to pack my things and head to my Mom's or Dad's, and coupled with everything else clouding my head, it is very very very stressful. I have tried to explain this to my Dad, and instead of being understanding, he gets overly sensitive and guilt trips me for wanting to stay in one place for some time. My mom understands but condescends when I need her most. There are definitely worse things in life and I know that. I'm just very jealous of people who have a complete family; people who come home and let their burdens down without having to pack up, without having to make awkward transitions during emotionally pressing times.

On top of this, I feel like half the people who call themselves friends really just want me around when it's convenient for them. People operate on self-interest and I can often see through the people who involve themselves with me. I've experienced a lot of failures in that area of my life, and I'm starting to realize that I am ultimately to blame for being so cynical. Sometimes, when we expect the worst and get too comfortable expecting the worse, we tend to make it happen.

The seasons are changing and everything seems to be fading. I've been stuck in an awfully beautiful melancholy that seems to trap me again once I feel I've escaped it's overbearing grip. I am young and I know that I have a lot ahead of me, but I've recognized the fleeting nature of all good things and I can't help but wonder what the use is.

Everything seems to be falling apart at the worst possible time. I play the victim and always seem to feel like I'm the one being hurt, but the truth remains that sometimes I'm the real asshole, especially when I get too consumed in petty, irrelevant issues. I really haven't been myself lately, and I'm truly disappointed in myself for failing to see how lucky I am. I guess it's just easy to forget these things when it feels like you're being quarantined from the people you love for reasons that are beyond your control.

Today was the second day of school. Yesterday was definitely the worst day ever and I'm pretty sure today was equally as shitty. I already have so much fucking work. I know I shouldn't be writing in my fucking livejournal right now, I should be reading, perhaps studying that fucking summer packet PIECE OF SHIT that I didn't do, filled with algebraic equations that look like chinese to me. I don't know Chinese. I actually have a fucking test on all that shit tomorrow. FUCK MY LIFE! People at my school are douchebags, and the kids in my classes are all obnoxious bros or stupid preppy girls who say like between every other word and rave about Chris Brown. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this. The only tolerable class is film arts and it's going to be fucking amazing because Aurora and I are going to make some epic shit. Other than that I'M SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT AND I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO THINK ABOUT THINGS THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT. ALL OF THIS ACADEMIC SHYT IS DRAINING ME OF CREATIVITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH YEAH, I had some fun before school started, now I'm paying the price for being lazy. I really don't care. I did crazy things like running all over Philadelphia and being stupid and going to some hardcore punk show in a questionable area, where I was creeped out by creepers and left. I got WAAAAAYYYYSTED, confronted old ghosts from my past and got all sad, danced to music that made me horny on a roof on south street and saved a drunk girl's life the next day. I love walking down walnut street, hung over, with only my train money, looking sullen and typical with a bandana around my neck, jorts and some article of clothing from amerpar, thinking to myself, god-fucking-damnit, I'd look so much hipper with a bicycle. CRITICAL MASS ON MOUNTAIN BIKES IN YOGA PANTS AND SANDALSNEAKERS AND SPORTS BRAS AND DUMB BUNS OR PONYTAILS!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Why do bike people talk about bikes so much. Okay, we get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, so..what else did I do before school started?? Ate at a diner with Rory and Curtis of course! Hung out in american apparel with Rory and Curtis, talking about BIKES and kyle laidig and various hip things like that.

It is so much more satisfying to rant in this thingy when I don't pay attention to my grammar or how poetic my words sound. I need to be more spontaneous on LJ and will be from now on.

FUKK! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING IN ALGEBRA AND I'M GOING TO FAIL THE TEST TOMORROW AND JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE COME TO PEACE WITH THAT, MY MOM HAS TO WALK INTO MY ROOM AND REMIND ME OF SATS LOOMING IN THE DISTANCE WHERE MY LAZINESS WILL TRULY SHINE THROUGH! THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I AM SO FULL OF TEEN ANGST RIGHT NOW!
I WANT TO GO THROW THINGS AT TEACHERS, PARTICULARLY MY GEOMETRY TEACHER...
AND THE POLICE!

Since I got back from Vermont I haven't been able to keep track of the days. After a while every August starts to feel like this, especially when school is looming in the near future. Flying back was really disorienting. I've been exhausted and listless for the past few days.

When I got back I hung out with Aurora, Rory and Curtis for Rory's birthday. We went to a quiet, pretty park. I managed to get myself stuck in a kiddie swing, and trying to find a way out of it was quite the challenge. It was painful but hilarious. After much wasted effort on the part of everyone else, I finally found a way to get myself out. So much for teamwork. We then sat in the grass, played music, and of course, talked about feelings. It's hard to find boys who like to do that. It was definitely a treat for me and Aurora. After a while Rory had to drive us back to the train and we listened to a lot of Sufjan Stevens in the car. Upon arrival back to Villanova I convinced my mom to take me to a diner. I hadn't been to one in the longest time, and I had an insatiable urge to eat waffles at midnight. We went to this skeevy yet cute place in Broomall. There were trashy kids smoking menthols in the booths. To be truthful I had a lot of fun hanging out with my mom. She can definitely be fucking ridiculous at times, but I love her. She's a teenager at heart.

The next day was Aurora's birthday. I met her and her sister Anna in the city. We perused the shops for a few hours. One store I'd never been to prior to that and found especially hilarious was the army/navy store. I was tempted to cop a shirt that just said SECURITY on it. I could've rocked that like no other. After those shenanigans, we headed to Rittenhouse to score some bud. I ran into this chick I'd met there once before. I got along well with her when we met. She was friendly and opinionated and was ranting about all the horrible things heroin had done to her in the past, as well as people she knew. Ironically enough, she did not remember meeting me at all, because she was fucked up on pain killers at the time. Just when you start to regain faith in the human race, you remember why you wanted to shut yourself out in the first place.

After a while, we'd had enough of madness and headed back to the Narbs, where we ran into some great, goofy individuals. I'd forgotten about how amazing Chris DeSimone's stories are. He made everyone cackle with the classic, true tale of his acid revelations. We hung around for a bit longer before we headed back to the city with the Case family for a fucking shnazzy dinner. On the way there, we listened to my homemade birthday CD for Aurora. They're all my garageband originals, so there are only about six songs and we listened to the CD on repeat. The restaurant was ridiculously fancy. It had a European look to it and the entire menu was in French. We were seated right by the bar, where there were extensive opportunities for peoplewatching. Anna noted that everyone there was definitely trying to get laid. There were a lot of trashy women with expensive clothing, ridiculous makeup and silicone implants as well as bro douchebags..or atleast, what I like to call "aging bros trying to get some pussy." However, there were some fucking beautiful, young, exotic looking women who were definitely all models. They were all there with old, rich men aka sugar daddies. Basically their sugar daddies/associates were spoiling them and getting them drunk in hopes of getting some..which, surprisingly, they were. Weird. I felt like I was watching sex and the city. Anyways, the food was fucking amazing. When we got back to Auroras, she and I listened to sad music like we always do and talked about lots of shit. We then had an american apparel photo shoot. Lots of fashion hipster fun.

The next day, we went to the insomnia cafe to see Rasan and Chewing Gum Tree play. It was delightful and later on I got pretty wasted at Emma's. yadayadayada.I don't have a cell phone right now because I left it at Auroras. Being out of contact with the human race has been very frustrating.

To be perfectly honest, I am very lost right now. I'm glad that I'm not out of control with my bad habits like I used to be, but I see potential for all the same mistakes once the schoolyear starts up again. I'm disappointed in myself for wasting effort on people who can't be changed. I miss a piece of someone that will never be the same. I've been holding on to memories and ideas and it's time to let it all go. I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say. There is so much I wish I could get off my chest, but doing so leads to further detriment. I've learned the hard way that real, true connections with people require exposure and acceptance of vulnerability. Fear has held me back for the longest time. Endless traps of thought have locked me into the bad situations that I have really just created for myself. I don't know where to go from here, but as lost as I am, I'm not afraid. All I know is that I need to do justice to all the wonderful things around me and within me, because I sure as hell haven't been, atleast not here.

I'm in Vermont and it's absolutely beautiful here. The pace is completely different. Everyone here wears comfortable shoes. The past few days of filming have been intense but definitely really fun. Last night we shot a makeout/implied sex scene. This was very awkward for me, but definitely a learning experience, and I guess, a milestone in the world of film acting. Aron visited me two days ago and we had a lot of fun playing the hummus game in Burlington. Basically, it works somewhat like the heddies game. You just yell out things that make hipsters turn around, like hummus. Or Animal Collective. By the end of the night we got one chick to flip us off...what an accomplishment.


Everyone here is really friendly though. I'm going to miss this a lot.

Since I last wrote, Sarah came back and we stayed in NYC for a weekend with aron for All Points West music festival. Radiohead was amazing, as expected. The other acts that blew me away to the same degree were Grizzly Bear, Girl Talk, Chromeo & K'NAAN. Animal Collective was amazing but the crowd fucking sucked. Those assholes wouldn't even budge, and some bro had the audacity to tell Aron and I to "settle down." I was not having that. I realized that it's a totally different experience when everyone at an event can afford to pay upwards $100 for a day, and not everyone's coming for the same thing. It was still fun though, and some weird 25 year old from Brooklyn posted a missed connection for me on craigslist. Apparently I was "making eye contact," but I don't even recognize the dude. It tends to look like I'm giving someone the eye when I'm really just glancing over. Funny stuff though.

After we came back from New York, Sarah left for good. I was trying my darndest not to burst out crying in front of her relatives. I have to get on a plane to go to Vermont now, so I guess I'll finish this the next time I get to a computer...no clue when that will be.

I don't really care what anyone has to say about the fact that, for the past few days, I've been surviving on copius amounts of caffiene and Third Eye Blind. Sarah left and went off to DC. My life has taken crazy turns since then. The day she left it was Mike V's birthday. I made him a mix consisting of garageband originals. Naturally, we partied..we went to Japanther and went fountainhopping afterwards. It was a swell time. The next notable event was Charlie's basement show that Aurora and I rapped in.

Other than that, not too much is going on. I've realized that things are changing. As much as it pains me, I've been given no choice but to remove some people from my life, atleast temporarily. I am hurt, I am angry...but I have to keep moving.

I've been home for about a week now. At first it was refreshing to not be on a schedule, but summer always fades into an endless stream of monotony eventually. Luckily for me, the monotony is much more bearable with Sarah around. I would try to summarize the past few days but there isn't much to say. A great deal of quiet and just enough craziness.

I haven't heard from most of my friends around here. It's enough just to hear snippets of their crazy lives, circulating truths that ring with hypocrisy and remind me of why I had doubts about them. Running into people has been strange. I feel like a changed person but I feel like I never left. Same old bullshit. Besides, it's only been a month. Sometimes a month is all it takes for someone to soften. Sometimes a month is all it takes for someone to realize they've been chaining themselves to the same vicious cycle for too long. Sometimes a month is all it takes to miss the idea of someone terribly. That month was a pleasant commercial break from which I could view my real life from afar. Things always look prettier from afar. What can I say. I've landed. I'm back. Now that I am here again, the same old preoccupations are back to haunt me. It's easier to live in the now when you live a simple life, and it's not simple here. Like I said, there is quiet, but within it lies immeasurable chaos.